Lessons from Geralt of Riva: The danger of being neutral.

August 2024.
A few days after my girlfriend broke up with me I started seeing The Witcher. My entry into this Franchise would be the Netflix anime that prequels the main story of Geralt of Rivia, the White Wolf.

My attempt to drown my sadness, guilt and pain in movies did not work. I was avoiding writing which is my primary way of grieving. If I wrote about it, then people would find out we were no longer together, and if people found out, getting back together like nothing happened would be even more difficult.

I hate drama. However, for someone who hates drama, I seem to have a unique way of making my life a scene. The person who broke up with me is someone thorough, who rarely goes back on her decision, and everything she’s said would happen if we ever split has happened, and waking up at 2 am a month after, I can’t help but contemplate the danger of not being fully sold out to what you believe in or choose.

Like Geralt of Rivia in the early part of the movie series, I love neutrality; the concept of not being fully here or there. Neutrality posits a false sense of safety. You’re not on anyone’s side, so you don’t have enemies. But, as much as you don’t have enemies, you rarely have friends; people you commit to, and that commit also to you no matter what.

Man is a function of the things he believes, and if a man stands in the gateway between two belief systems, it therefore implies that that man is not whole. He is a shadow of the shallow position he assumes by not being fully committed to anything.

Growing up in secondary school, I was the kid who was neither a bad boy nor a good boy. If you looked at my life, you couldn't really place a finger on where I stood. Yes, I curried favour in the presence of the bad boys and was good enough to be identified amongst thee ilk of those who were good, but I was never really anywhere.

I had people who were committed to me, but, I was never really committed to anybody. Those I called friends filled the position as a function of proximity and usefulness, and once a person was no longer relevant, he was no longer needed. How I came to live like this is a mystery even as I write this piece.

Sunday, September 9, 2024
2: 49 AM

I decided to include the time of writing so you’d know when these thoughts are being processed in my mind. I would like to say that I have suffered many years in silence because when the going gets tough, I am not confident that I belong anywhere to share the full extent of my pain within a community of choice. In order to maintain my neutrality, I share the aspect of pain to which each party can resonate and relate to.

I reckon that if I share the full extent of my pain with one party, what would be recommended is only applicable to people who are sold out to that belief system. Now, it becomes apparent that the source of my torment is my inability to fully commit myself to a belief system, hence, my inability also to commit to people of choice.

In the way I live my life, I have preferences that rank at the top, however, I make room for options that leave certain doors open. When you have lived in isolation or seclusion like I have, you might be scared to shut every other door except one. My fear is this, “What if I put all of myself here, and this eventually isn't the right decision? Would I have lived all of my life at the wrong end of the spectrum?

Being fully sold out would mean that I eliminate every other possible option and stick with one, and as much as I am aware of how wholesome that might seem, I have yet to understand the logic behind leaving yourself stranded by shutting off every other option.

This might seem like an incoherent rambling. Please bear with me.

Like I said, I have preferences that take the top position. Maybe in an instance, they bear the highest reward on investment, so they rank at the top. However, as with the nature of human desires, there will always exist things that are not present in a particular faction that one may crave, and thus the false advantage of having options and being able to choose from a selection of possible outcomes.

I have learned a rather hard lesson that this is wrong. People love to be committed to. And commitment means that despite the shortfalls of what you have chosen, you stay with it. It doesn't mean you are blind to those shortfalls, but you decide to not regard them.

As Geralt of Rivia chose to commit to Yennefer of Vengerberg, and Cirilla of Cintra, and as the Bard chose to commit to Geralt, I learned along the line that the people we choose should be what matters to us the most.

Neutrality is a shady way of telling people that we choose ourselves without actually saying it. It boils down to the false sense of purpose where we believe that in order not to harm any side or make enemies of the same, we choose to remain in the middle.

When the time comes, it is those who have no loyalty to any cause that are eventually cast aside. There is honour in being fully committed to one’s choice, and if eventually you find out that you are wrong, then you have lived an honourable life.

As I take an observer’s position, I find out that I have lived a rather long, yet short life being neutral. It was a coping mechanism for circumstances I was faced with early in life. I have lived with full body armour refusing to be fully vulnerable with anybody. Yet, unknown to me, my neutrality is my biggest weakness and a bane to my very existence. I am a banner with many holes, riddled with obvious weaknesses, yet to myself, I stand firm with a belief that I am communicating strength.

There is no shame in admitting that the way I have lived thus far has been wrong. I am grateful for the lives impacted and sorry for the lives deeply wronged.

Regret is one thing I didn't want to shoulder, so I told myself that for every decision I will ever make, I will fully commit to the consequences of my decision so that I eventually have no regret. I wanted it to be said that I lived my life wholesomely, fully, and without regret.

Sadly, at the time of this writing, I have but one regret, a pain I might never be able to rid myself of no matter how pleasant my life becomes. Maybe it's a way to punish myself for the effects of my choices, and the weight of what was lost because of my neutrality.

And just like Geralt of Rivia eventually found out, staying neutral eventually has you caught up in the mix of people who have what they are committed to. Eventually, Geralt chose to commit to Ciri, and well, live to his heart’s content with the consequences of that decision.